Blog+of+the+Pole+Dancer


 * [[image:cherryblossomwebsmall1.jpg width="178" height="132" align="right" caption="The Infamous Cherry Blossom"]]Day One** (2-9-09)

This is the first day of blogging at Illawarra TAFE. I think it is amazing that TAFE recommends and endorses this in the learning curriculum. But hey, who am I to buck the system? I can't promise that this will be an exciting representation of my life, but meh, I'll give it a whirl.

So last night I put my clothes in the washing machine and set the timer for five hours. I did this because I knew that the wash cycle took approximately two hours to complete. So, by setting this at five hours the wash cycle would commence at 5 am and theoretically finish at 7 am.

As soon as I got up I had my shower and breakfast trying ALDI new American style super crunchy peanut butter (actually quite nice; more nuts than Kraft). Once I finished my coffee I made my way to the laundry and put the clothes in the washing basket. I opened the door and descended down the stairs. For some reason I was puzzled. I was singing "I Could Have Danced All Night" from My Fair Lady, not sure why but it got me through the dreary process of hanging my articles of clothing. The only problem was that I couldn't seem to get pat the chorus "... I could have danced all night.... I could have danced all night .... and still come back for more .... I could have spread my wings and did a thousand things .... hmm hmmm daa daa daa daa .... " That's all I knew so I just kept basically repeating those words. Neighbours would have been gripped to the teeth by this repetitive piece of music.

Went back inside and looked at the clock "bum - a quarter to nine". So I popped my water in my backpack and made my way to the backyard.

Big drama! My partners car was parked behind mine, "Jesus Christ!" I exclaimed (sorry Christianity... Hail Mary and all that jazz) I had to reverse his car to get mine out. Time running out and fast, I whipped inside got the keys and reversed the car out using the side view mirrors (I did open the gate first and didn't reverse through it contrary to what some people think of my driving). Next I ran inside deposited his keys then got my keys and reversed my car, again looking in the side view mirrors careful not to side swipe the cherry blossom tree with it's myriad of flowers blooming ... three I think in total at the moment.

I drove to TAFE, sick to death of my theatre songs that I have been singing for the last 8 weeks and today changed the disc in the disc changer to Vera Lynn and "There'll Always Be An England". Strange I know, but very stirring, and motorists just love it when they've pulled up beside me at the lights. Yey - you rock Vera. She's a 1940's chick but so relevant in today’s world. Especially when you take off at the Moss Street lights and say to the motorist beside you "We'll Meet Again" which indeed we did at the set of lights at Bridge Road.

Made it to TAFE safely - phew. Wow - what a morning and the teacher had a fresh coffee on her desk and all I had was lousy Shoalhaven water..... but hey it's better than a boar or generic soft drink, which defies drinking at the best of times.

XOXO Gossip Girl

Sorry, I stole that from Channel 9's Blog teen drama which is now on the Go channel. Will try and think of something more exciting and dare I say original over the coming week.


 * Day Two (10-9-09)**

So here it is the second blog of Pole Dancer. I almost feel like Perez Hilton tapping away at the keyboard, except in my case I don’t have an alternate Mexican name. Not sure if that would make me more sexually attractive anyway. //Stefano Juan-Carlos-Whito.// I’ll leave that one open to discussion.

Will post the infamous Cherry Blossom from last week, if it’s that popular I will give him his own page. Ooooh, that’s rather sexist and politically incorrect to just assume the Cherry Blossom tree is male. To save arguments face I’m happy to call it Mrs. Cherry Blossom.

This morning I am rather sore and I don’t mind saying “Curse you Hiroshima Nagassaki Wikimakedo!!! ….. Curse you and your damn Wii Fit it’s found muscles that I once thought were meant for digesting food, and now are trying to escape from my stomach and have their own bloody TV show” I’m not quite sure if Hiroshima Nagassaki Wikimakedo would actually understand what I was talking about but with my thespian skills I’m sure my facial expressions whilst having my rant would scare him back to China Town; which is rather ironic considering that he is Japanese.

So whilst driving to TAFE this morning I thought I would try a different stream of music, as much as I love Vera Lynn I put her back in the phonograph box and said “Goodnight Sweetheart”. Whilst singing loudly “There’ll Always Be an England!” can get you some strange looks at the Moss Street lights, so it would appear is Gloria Gaynor and “I Will Survive”. This is much more exciting because I can actually re-enact the dance moves… bah the legs because one has to remain on the brake pedal. However, I can fling my arms and fingers (spirit fingers) in many different locations.

But now I hold my head up high, and you see me somebody new , I'm not that chained up little person still in love with you, and so you feel like droppin' in, crap! Speed hump. Curse you TAFE and your tasteless speed hump, and curse you TAFE for making me curse twice in one morning, does one go to the sixth circle of Hell for this? I don’t think so, that’s reserved for Kyle Sandilands at present … I’m happy just to sit in the waiting room.

Clothes are out on the line, had more socks then my sock hanger would allow so I had to use extra pegs which was a gross injustice to the world of sock hangers, or even underwear hangers. I multitask when I’m doing my washing line chores I can have all my socks and undies together on their own hangers and the neighbours think that’s just tops! How do I know this? Well … and this is the real juicy gossip, the other week I noticed that they had purchased their own sock / undies hanger… not sure what it is as I haven’t seen them actually hang anything out on it yet. They have a really small white dog, perhaps when they bath it they could hang it out? I’ll leave that open to discussion too and for the RSPCA to leave their calling card in my mailbox.

XOXO **Gossip Girl** I realise my homework was to think of something more creative than pinching Channel 9’s hit teenybopper show…. But I have failed. (It was the hula hooping I tell ya’ !

**Day Two and a half**

Okay I do believe that it is official between me and Friday and the show. Every Friday performance I have had some shockers, and tonight was no exception.

Last week during “Bring On The Men” I had a complete mental block at the start of my verse and begun singing about teasing and fat men! Not sure where that came from, but the audience didn’t know either way and clapped along. Phew!

Tonight – same song. Sang my verse no problems but straight after the verse I ammedia type="youtube" key="U1vDlYcilQw" height="172" width="192" align="right" supposed to sing the line “they break your heart” and again mental block, I just bopped away on the spot. So my partner jumped in and sang the line, and then I sang his lines and he sang my lines, and poor Michelle who is the middle (brilliant singer) just did her parts and was thinking “Bill this is not like you to forget your lines. You’ve been singing this song for years”. Turns out after the show, everyone who knows the song all thought Bill had forgotten his lines not the other way around! I was comfortable with that line of thinking ... but he made sure people knew the truth. Bastard.  On the right I have posted a version of the song... that's not us singing (although god I wish had bosoms like her!) however it should give you an idea of the song.

Oh and that wasn’t the only song. “Hot Stuff” I was a beat behind the rest of the guys, and turned around while they were all still punching the air. Had to make it look like it was a part of the show, so I started humping the air .... as one does. Stopped humping in time to swivel my hips around like a demented hula hooper and sing my lines. “Hot Hot Hot Stuuufff”. Settle down avid female blogging fans ... in my get up that I am wearing I am far from hot. Try fitting a thin sausage in a toilet roll centre. My pants are like four times my size, and I literally have the wrap my belt twice around me. Thankfully my arse is covered with my jacket and microphone cables hanging from my headpiece, so the audience is luckily spared the hideous view of an oversized gluteus maximus.

Thankfully I wasn’t the only one sprouting mishaps from stage. Our big final number only half of the balloons fell from the heavens (that’s not theatre talk, I just made that up). When the stage crew pulled the cord, it only released half of the balloons. Mwa ha ha ha ha ha .

XOXO **Gossip Girl**

Turns out the Cherry Blossom tree ... isn't a Cherry Blossom tree. Apparently it is a Pear tree.
 * Day Two and three quarters**

It’s Sunday and that means someone is nursing a rather somnolent head today. I say somnolent as opposed to hangover because although I did partake in a few glasses of the devils juice, I was basically sober the entire night. It was just a late one which means I got to bed quite late (or early depending on how you look at it).

This morning I rolled out of bed at twenty minutes to the hour of nine and ducked into the kitchen to put the kettle on and happened to glance at the clock. Crumbs! Was meant to be at the School or Arts at 9 am to help clean up. Needless to say I bounded to the shower hoping to remove some more remnants of Judy Garland’s eye liner left from the night before, but even now I’m still sporting it. All ex foliated from top to toe, a mix of the coffee granules and coffee mate in the thermos and off to Berry Street.

So I enjoyed a good three hours of manual labour, which consisted of me flitting around the theatre with a dustpan and casually sweeping particles of feathers, glitter, fake nails and even a few pieces of carpet whence I do not where they came from. All in all it was a damn good job, because it really looked like I was busy and hard at it. My other friend who I shall call Lavender had got to the job of sweeping first which I was a little bummed out about. That’s one of the best jobs because it is quite therapeutic. Walk sweep walk sweep walk talk talk talk talk oh yes ahh sweep again .... Last night was a full house and a wonderful success if I do say so myself. Although would you read about it .... I buggered up that bloody song again! I thought I would be really clever and take along my words and read through them before I had to go on stage, surely that would be the sure fire way. Wrong. As I am wandering through the crowd I begin to sing with random words coming out and I’m smiling and shaking my head like it was all part of the show! Last night and I still just didn’t get it, and to make matters even more deliciously worse; this was the night they video tape the performance!!

All in all a good show, I was offered a role in an upcoming play for 2010 which was lovely. Not sure what the play was about the Director just said that I was perfect for the role due to my “stage presence”. Not //quite// sure what that means; I am hoping it isn’t a polite word for “up staging”! Sadly I had to return my cloak today as well which has been most upsetting, I guess you could say that I have been disrobed.

As promised ... the exclusive backstage pass. You’ll have the first opportunity to see it and know about it before I shamelessly plaster it all across Facebook.

**Gossip Girl** XOXO

= EXCLUSIVE BACKSTAGE PASS EXCLUSIVEmedia type="youtube" key="L0-iHvND0uI" height="405" width="500" =

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The third official blog of the Pole Dance or Gossip Girl, haven’t quite worked out my identity yet, indeed I am amongst an identity crisis at the moment. Happens to all of us, it’s a lot like a mid life crisis. So speaks he who isn’t middle aged yet. =====

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With the performance well and truly over now, it’s always nice to get feedback from other people. The feedback that I have had back hasn’t been great but as ridiculous as this is going to sound it’s actually very good. Let me elaborate. The show was called the Seven Deadly Sins, so the show was going to have some questionable material in it. I say questionable, it has to be when it comes to some old prunes. If the class had of come along and seen it, I can quite bravely say you wouldn’t have even battered an eyelid. Mascared or not. Maybeline or Priceline discount bin.=====

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The opening piece was from a show called “Side Show”, nothing to objectionable. Next off the rank was myself with my piece “Welcome to Hell”. Not particularly exciting, but apparently a woman walked out of the school of arts and as she left she said to the person at the door “Hell is nothing like that”. One has to wonder how the //hell// she would know, but then stranger things have happened…. Like Britney’s comeback performance.=====

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Secondly the opening of the second half of the show was always going to be exciting to say the least. It involved our “penis” that’s pianist for those of who speak the Queens English. Our pianist played a beautiful rendition of a prelude from Chopin, all of a suddenly you would hear this loud burp from the back of the hall; then some silence then another burp. Next you hear some vulgar man basically insulting members of the audience who generally lap it up. It’s amazing how many people you can insult when you’re in a theatre. Anyway the character is Sir. Les. For those not familiar he was originally played by Sir. Barry Humphries who also is Dame Edna. Anyway Sir. Les is a real vulgar and rude obnoxious Australian. So you can just imagine some of the antidotes that he is going to come out with. Turns out later that some woman found it extremely offensive, especially the burping through the pianist’s recital.=====

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Arrived at TAFE on the Thursday to dip my toes into the exciting pool of Flickr and Slideflickr, but instead dipped my toes into a great vast vat of plant oils before they add the food colouring and turn it into margarine. I think that say’s it all. Next week we are going to experiment with RSS; it sounds like something you get when you use the mouse to much, or if you’re an extraordinarily lonely male with no girlfriend and constantly on Dungeons and Dragons in the middle of the night. That’s not me besides the way, I was never into Dungeons and Dragons at school I didn’t understand it, plus most of the time all we had were the really old Macs and they just frightened me at school. True story. They were tiny little beige boxes, and every time you switched them on they would always chime and little happy computer face would appear on the screen. It was a little to Stephen King IT for me. I realise I digress from the original story line which was RSS – Repetitive Strain Syndrome. This is obviously not what we are learning in our information technology class, but a little program that feeds updated information into your computer. Just what we need really, we’re already overloaded with information, and now we don’t even have to open up Internet Explorer or touch the mouse. Actually now that I write this one could almost say that the information technology RSS is strangely related to the syndrome RSS. Let me explain my idea. With the advent of RSS on our computers, there is less chance of us contracting RSS. Think about it. =====

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Off to Newcastle for a wedding. No, not me unfortunately. My day hasn’t come yet and we’re healthily debating whether or not we’ll end up in a church or some beach in Bali. The idea of walking down the aisle, bouquet in hand, a Cheshire cat smile on the face, a soprano singing Ave Maria from afar and all eyes on me for that short stride. All eyes on me! It’s all about me! =====

… please don’t be a pit toilet, I have awful dreams of falling down into one and not being able to get out. It’s a whole Slumdog Millionaire moment.

 * Day Four (24-9-09)**

Good morning, look at the sun. Okay I’ve stolen the line from Willy Wonka but isn’t it relevant, especially today. We have the actual sun that’s bright and white and yesterday if you could actually get a glimpse of it, it was a hazy orange. Much like my mothers orange juice when it’s come out of the juicer.

Before coming to TAFE this morning I decided to give my car a wash as it was covered in dust and was looking like Mars had taken a great big dump on it. So after unravelling the hose with its many kinks I began spraying down the car and watching the red ooze just slide off on to the ground. I imagine if I had of been in tight short shorts and even possibly a bikini top I would have had a much larger audience. Possibly even holding a sponge and periodically rubbing myself down and giggling in a high pitched tone.

By the time I had put the blasted hose away my car had not looked like it had even had a wash down. Mars had laughed in my face and taken another dump on my car for slap and giggles. I wasn’t going to argue with Mars at this stage, as I was wet anyway and my bikini top was so wet it was starting to become transparent and I didn’t trust Mars in case he had a video camera and a direct link to YouTube! Well he is the God of War, and quite frankly I really don’t have the time to be fighting a wet bikini top competition with the God of Wars on YouTube …at the moment anyway.

Ariving to TAFE this morning I had no real music piece playing, I know that’s very disappointing and I’m sorry. Although to be honest with you I was gravelling with the looks of motorists at Moss Street staring at my wet bikini top still which hadn’t dried, and I was really quite petrified of causing an accident. What would I tell the kindly police officer when he or she arrived at the scene?

Having bought a new camera the other week in anticipation for our holiday in a couple of weeks, one had to take it for a test drive. My father whom I shall refer to as GossipDad decided to take a couple of seconds of footage of the dog. This is wonderful, like a Spielberg moment …. In standard definition. Our camera has only two 8gb cards which I think is plenty…. in my opinion anyway. My poor parents were stressing (GossipDad and GossipMum) that two 8gb card just weren’t going to be enough and that two 32gb cards would be better. Unfortunately they didn’t have these cards in stock and would have to be ordered in. After politely smiling at the salesman who thought “Yippee! I’ve got a great up sale here” I took my parents to the side and had a rather brief but in depth talking too. “Now GossipDad and GossipMum; really how much footage of our holiday do we really want to subject our family and friends too? Sure we can get the two 32gb cards which means we can shoot for 15 hours …. Or we can simply get the two 8gb cards which will quite comfortably give us just over 3.5 hours. Keeping in mind that we will download the footage onto the laptop at the end of each day …” They saw my point and were quite happy to get the two 8gb cards. I mean how much footage of ones holiday does want to have a look at, I would say one hour at the most. Video is like the modern day version of the 70’s home slide show …. “and this is Aunt Carrol in a blue polka dot athletic tank suit” CLICK “this is Aunt Carrol heading to the beach in her athletic tank suit” CLICK “here is Aunt Carrol procrastinating whether to walk into the water” CLICK “Oh, ha ha ha funny story here is Aunt Carrol being eaten by a Grey Nurse Shark” CLICK …

Anyway I’ll post a link to the video of our dog Chuck for you all to enjoy, should take about 30 seconds out of your busy lives.

Enjoy your Flickr, eat your Delicious, play with your Wiki, hide your RSS boys, check for any holes in your Photobucket and Blogon!

**Gossip Girl** XOXOXO
 * Check previous blog for reference to RSS.media type="youtube" key="IABPg49cqIk" height="360" width="580"**

Day Five (2-10-09)
====Thursday was just going off, it was the bomb, it was the cherry in the margarita. We had cake, coke, tim tams, cheese, cabanossi and butterfly cupcakes. The party rocked with all six people. Any more in the room and it seriously would have been bordering on mardigras! ====


====The surprises just didn’t stop though. Moodle. Most people would bring a poodle, toy poodle or even a coloured poodle, however we had Moodle with a riveting two part YouTube video to boot. As it’s the start of the month I am hoping that my foreign currency has arrived, otherwise I’ll be buying Yumcha with my American Express and selling my body on the side of some backstreet Chinese alley. That idea scares me a little, because with my thin legs they may mistake them for chicken legs and haul me down to the local restaurant. ====


====Weather is crazy, one day it’s trousers and long sleeved shirts, next day it’s shirt, shorts and 500ml of L’oreal eau’de tan. That’s not really significant to the story but it fills up a short paragraph. ====


==== Was watching “Made of Honour” and grandma was wearing a glow in the dark necklace which I thought looked quite good and I wouldn’t mind wearing them on stage in a performance. They’re called ‘thunder beads’, and they clip together so easily. I thought I would conduct some research after the film to see where one could obtain these from ….. lets just say that I didn’t think I’ll be sporting these anytime soon in Nowra to say the least. I won’t go into great deal on these ‘thunder beads’ except to say if you want to learn more about them, then go ahead and Google them, Bing them if that’s your preference. Certainly don’t Yahoo! them though, otherwise it will give you a whole new meaning of that word, indeed I would imagine some people do yell Yahoo! when graced with the ‘thunder beads’, pity really as they came in such nice colours and they seem to clip around the neck so easily. ====

**Gossip Girl**
XOXOXO

P.S. I absolutely hate Wikispaces for continuity in editing, this would have to be the most atrocious editing package on the net.


 * Day 6 Thursday 12-11-09**

After a gripping three hours at TAFE and learning how to create an exciting story in another Microsoft product, I literally had to gobble my lunch down when I got home. As much as I hate to admit this too - it was an Irish stew from a tin. A tin I hear you scream. Yes, it bloody was.

After that I jumped into the shower and probably spent more time in there then I should have ... get your filthy minds out of the gutter. I just stand there in the warm water and my mind drifts off, funnily enough never about water conservation which I think is rather ironic when I consider what is really going down the drain just to keep me in a state of bliss.

After getting out and tarting myself up with another new hair product (Bill brought home a large selection from the Salon the other day) so I have a plethora to choose from. Mind you this wax that I put in a couple of days ago has taken three bloody days to rinse out. Turns out when I whinged about it to the hair stylist extrodinare the other night, it's meant as a finishing wax. "How much did you put in Steven?" "Well you know, a great blob of it!?!?" "You're only meant to put a small amount in...." "Oh ....."

Driving to work, over the mountain and through the valley. Hot Hot Hot. About three hours later the clouds started rolling down into the valley, then thunder, then a quick blackout. Which is always great when you are working front of house at a resort or indeed even a motel and you're only source of bookings is on the computer screen. Luckily we have battery backups which apparently gives us 30 minutes grace. A lightning strike also hit the resort somewhere and stared a small fire, which as I type this I can smell. Never been that close to a lightning strike ... I say "close" could be a km away. Not sure. It's raining though so no one is particularly worried and the ground staff who live on site know about it - just in case.

Well that's all from me. Going to do my rounds, lock up, count tills, shut down computers and arm the resort before I leave and will remember to take my car keys with me!

Take care eat a gooseberry XOXO**
 * Gossip Girl

P.S. Ooops .... three edits ..... three emails ..... sorry John! :-)